


Falling In The Black

by ArteaCactus



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, But only implied, Dark Sides As Family (Sanders Sides), Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Deceit | Janus Sanders, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Protective Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Sympathetic Dark Sides (Sanders Sides)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27715643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArteaCactus/pseuds/ArteaCactus
Summary: As Janus stood tip-toeing the edge of a cliff somewhere deep in Remus’ side of the Imagination, staring into the black void yawning beneath his feet, he conceded that perhaps he was a little.. melancholy.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Thomas Sanders
Comments: 9
Kudos: 172





	Falling In The Black

**Author's Note:**

> heed the warnings !! i wrote this late at night so i apologize for any mistakes or inconsistencies. this was a request over on tumblr, under my URL hissceit ! go send some asks if you'd like :)
> 
> title taken from the song 'falling in the black' by skillet
> 
> un-beta'd- enjoy the fic!

Janus wouldn’t necessarily say he was _depressed_.

Sure, he hardly left his room unless he had to and couldn’t bring himself to eat anything anymore and _maybe_ he was a little numb to everything nowadays but that didn’t mean he was _depressed_. Janus didn’t _do_ depressed- one of his functions was self-preservation! To be depressed was absolutely ridiculous, why on earth would he participate in something so counter-intuitive? 

That being said, as he stood tip-toeing the edge of a cliff somewhere deep in Remus’ side of the Imagination, staring into the black void yawning beneath his feet, he conceded that perhaps he _was_ a little.. _melancholy_.

He wasn’t entirely sure how long he’d been lingering around this area. He had arrived some time ago and had walked along the edge of the cliff, throwing rocks into the abyss, sometimes just sitting down on the damp grass and staring out into nothingness.

Technically, he shouldn’t even _be_ here. This was a crack in the Imagination- a portal to the subconscious, more or less, where things were just tossed into to be put in the back of the mind and forgotten. Roman and Remus were the only ones that really had access to it- if anyone else tried to get close, it would send off alarms throughout the Mind Palace. The only reason Janus was able to be here was that he had been granted full reign of the Imagination long ago when Thomas was still a child and the twins were a singular being, and that permission hadn’t been revoked when the King split. It wasn’t like he really came often either- admittedly he had been visiting far more often lately, especially since Remus had been welcomed with open arms into the Light Side and left Janus behind, but it wasn’t like he spent _too_ much time here.

Probably.

Again, he really didn’t know how long he’d been hanging around- time worked strangely in the Imagination, and sometimes, an hour in here would be minutes outside, and vice versa. Remus had tried explaining it to him once, but he hadn’t cared enough at the time to pay attention. 

Not that he really cared about _anything_ , mind you.

Slowly, carefully, Janus lowered his body onto the soft, damp blades of grass beneath him, his feet dangling over the edge. Feeling the loose dirt crumble beneath his fingertips- and when did he lose his gloves?- plus the weightless swinging of his legs over the gaping nothingness beneath himself made his stomach lurch uncomfortably, some part of the back of his mind yelling at him to _get back_ before he fell. 

The bigger part of his mind felt oddly okay with the idea of falling.

And perhaps that should have worried him, but as Janus’ hat got caught in a breeze that swept past and flew off his head and plummeted, getting further and further down into the hole until the hat blurred in with the rest of the black void and disappeared, he found that he didn’t really care, and wouldn’t quite mind joining it.

He wondered what would happen if he _did_ fall. Would he die? _Could_ he die? Being a Side to Thomas, such a deep-seated and integral part of his personality, would he truly die, or would he just become thoughtless function, like breathing or blinking? Would he be revived as a Side, the mind refusing to let him go? Would he dematerialize, and another Deceit takes his place? 

Or would Thomas get what he truly desires, and lose his capacity for deceit entirely?

He felt something tugging at his chest, and he wasn’t quite sure what it was. It was weak, so he ignored it. It probably wasn’t important.

He reached out with his hand, fingers ghosting over the edge of the cliff- the only thing anchoring him to land being one hand and his body weight. 

All he had to do was.. lean forwards, and his questions about what would happen to him would be answered.

A forked tongue darted from his mouth and licked his dry lips, sudden waves of anxiety and nervousness crashing over him as his self-preservation kicked in harder, demanding for him to back off from the edge of the cliff.

Janus contemplated listening to it.

He could back off, sure- get up and wander back out of the Imagination, back into the abandoned Dark Side to sit in his room, yearning for the sounds of Virgil’s muffled music and Remus’ distant banging of weapons against the walls again, and drowning in the deafening silence that sat in its stead.

Or, he could push himself off the edge, and greet his demise with open arms, and leave the other Sides behind- they could function just as well without him, they have all this time.

Maybe he could see King again.

Just as his fist clenched and he squared his chest, preparing to make the leap, he heard something behind him.

His name.

Perhaps it would be best to ignore it, to follow through and jump off anyway, but.. 

Curiosity killed the cat.

He turned his head in the direction of the noise, doing so just in time to see a bunch of bodies emerge from the trees and make direct eye contact with him. 

The Sides- and _Thomas_.

“Janus- what the _fuck_ are you doing so close to the edge-” Remus borderline _screeched_ , and in a blur of green and red, Janus found himself by the treeline, a good distance away from the edge of the abyss. 

He truly couldn’t help but spare a mournful glance towards it before his attention was entirely snatched by his new company- a glance that wasn’t unnoticed. 

“Janus, where’s your hat?” Patton questioned shakily, evidently trying not to think about what was about to happen before they’d stumbled upon the scene, and Janus shrugged.

“Somewhere in the pit,” He replied in disinterest, pointedly ignoring the concerned looks from those surrounding him.

“Janus, are you okay?” Thomas, oh so eager to help someone in crisis, asked. “Is- is there a reason you were out here, by the.. the _pit_?”

Janus couldn’t help it- his lips quirked into a humorless grin and he chuckled, the sound empty and borderline soulless. “Fascinating that you only care about me when I’m in _trouble_ ,” Though his words oozed apathy, his eyes were so disturbingly full of _feeling._ He noticed they visibly recoiled at the amount of loathing in them, but he truly couldn’t tell if they knew it wasn’t directed at them at all- it was for _himself_. “Don’t you worry your pretty little head, Thomas, I was only _half_ -seriously contemplating throwing myself in.” 

He turned on his heel before he could catch their reactions to his words, but before he could retreat from the looming threat of a _mental health conversation_ , hands gripped his arms with a startling amount of strength, holding him in place.

“Janus, are you suicidal?”

Ah, blunt and to-the-point as ever. Janus appreciated that about Logan, he didn’t beat around the bush no matter the topic of conversation.

“Depends on your reaction if I was.” Was Janus’ indirect answer, but it was all they needed, and immediately Janus felt himself get shuffled even further from the edge of the cliff. 

He would have found it comedic if it was any other situation.

“How did you even know to come find me? And why would you search _here_?” Janus wondered aloud, his curiosity getting the best of him yet again. 

“Well, for starters, you’d been gone for a few days,” Roman was the one who replied this time, and Janus wasn’t all too surprised despite having only spent a few hours at most alone- after all, the whole time inconsistencies in and out of the Imagination thing. “And then Remus had started getting bombarded with your intrusive thoughts about suicide and death and what would happen if you died and got scared and came asking for help and we tried summoning you and you weren’t answering and then Virgil said he started feeling your anxiety and then Remus had the vision of the cliffside and-” Roman let out a gasping breath, his rambling cut short by the need to breathe, and Patton rubbed his arm gently.

Janus.. well, he would be lying if he said he wasn’t surprised. 

“You were _concerned_ about me?” He sounded genuinely astonished, “I would understand it if it was anybody else, but _me_?”

“ _Yes_?” Thomas looked appalled, “You think we _wouldn’t_ be? Janus, _we love you_. You’re not an unwanted part of me. You are valued and appreciated and _adored_ , and I am so, _so_ sorry for ever making you feel like you _aren’t_.” 

Janus stood in dumbfounded silence for a few moments, before he let out a shaky breath, and murmured, “ _Oh_.”

“Let’s go back,” Patton spoke up, gently urging the group to walk further from the void, “Let’s all just spend some time together and chill out, yeah? Get cozy and watch a movie, maybe play some games and eat some tasty snacks.”

There was a general murmur of agreement from the group, and Janus was somehow pushed into the middle next to Remus as they walked- his skin tingled uncomfortably, feeling the eyes of the others burning into his form, and Remus used his cape to wrap around Janus, hiding him from the sight of everyone but himself. 

As the sounds of mindless chatter surrounded him, Janus relaxed, until the melancholic feeling seeped from his mind and he was once again making sarcastic comments and dry jokes that made Remus cackle and Virgil snort, and a small grin was plastered to his face.

He didn’t feel good, or _happy_ , not by a long shot, but maybe with some time, he would be _okay_.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! if youd like, please feel free to toss a kudos and/or comment my way, they mean the world!!


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